IDENTITY - lost in the dusty road of life
by cassiopeiamoon
Summary: "I looked into my own eyes, in a vain effort to search myself and regain my own IDENTITY." Bella,35, marraid yet lonely. Does she get her true companion or continues to walk her path of life alone is the main question here. Be a part of this journey to find out what she is truely seeking. Love or self-respect?
1. Preface

It is 01.30 AM and I heard him opening our bedroom door. His tall, weary frame stumbled through the threshold. He smelled of some expensive wine. With my half closed lid I saw him opening his shirt and placing his cell phone on the table. His drunken feet approached me and I shut my eyes tightly. I could feel him looking at my fake sleeping form. Then he was gone. I did not open my eyes but I heard the bed creak and felt him sliding up the bed and lie down at the farthest side of the king size bed. When I heard him snoring, I opened my eyes. The mirror opposite our bed reflected my worn out face, which I had started to hate. My cold and dry eyes caught and held my attention. I looked into my own eyes, in a vain effort to search myself and regain my identity.

We no more fight. I had ceased to shout at him. He stopped giving excuses. Now we lived in peace. A cold, silent peace representing mutual avoidance. There is no mutual understanding. We lived like two strangers chained together.

Once we loved each other madly. Even blindly. We got married, when I was just 18 and he, 24. But our Love was like the Rose plant, when winter came the Roses died, keeping the thorns behind. Now the only love we have in our hearts was for our only 15-year-old daughter, Reneesme.

Though the winter had passed long ago but the spring never came. Edward and I were living in a void.


	2. 1

_**Twilight belongs to SM**_

_**This particular story belongs to me. **_

* * *

Last day was our anniversary. I had arranged a party on his request, invited our friends and family and reminded him about it twice that day. I did not waste my time, expecting him to remember it or guessing how he would surprise me. It would had only brought me disappointment and my past experiences were a big proof of it. So in the morning when he woke up, I said, "Good morning Edward and Happy 17th anniversary."

He looked a bit startled. He must had forgotten.

"Morning, sweetheart and a very very happy anniversary to you to. I am sorry I have no gifts now but I promise to give you something special. Anything that you want."

I smiled and shrugged. "That's all right. I have nothing for you too." I had stopped giving him gifts since our 15th anniversary and besides there is nothing that he could not buy for himself. And also what is the use of giving him something that has been bought from his own money?

He showed mock grief and said, "You have no gift for me? I am hurt. You forgot about it or did you not have enough time to buy something for me?"

I dodged his question ,"I arranged a party in the evening. It is a dinner party. It will start at 8, so be home by 7. And to remind you, it was you who wanted to have it. I never wanted to party. So please be there."

"No need to remind me. I remember that. And besides 'YOU' never want to 'Party'."He replied in an off-handed tone.

My whole day passed in the arrangement of the evening and I liked it. It kept me busy and made me feel useful. I called him to remind him about it again during the lunch. He said he would be there by 6pm. I didn't buy it but I said nothing.

I got ready before 8 and called him once more. His secretary, Tanya picked up and informed me about a sudden change in his schedule. Some European client paid an unexpected visit and he was in the meeting. It was nothing unexpected.

I said, "No problem. Just ask him to come home directly after it ends." Knowing full well that he won't. Foreign clients, late night meetings, dinner in some Porsche restaurant all of these go hand in hand.

I was right. In the party everyone asked about him and I repeated the tale of European Clients until my jaws started to pain. All the false smiles were taking a toll on my lower jaw. His absence disappointed all but me; I was habituated to these incidents. It bothered me no more. I tried to play the warm hostess and succeeded to a level. My natural reserve manner hindered my success a bit.

But no one was ill treated or unhappy. Everyone enjoyed the party and praised the food, only the big cake stayed untouched.

From time to time, Alice kept looking at me with sad eyes and I, either gave her a small smile or a shrug. Alice was my friend and also (Edward's step brother) Jasper's wife. But over the years a strong feeling of sisterhood developed between us. Now, she was more than a sister to me, she was my confidant. There were times when Edward and Jasper had little problems in their relationship but that never influenced our strong bond. Only she knew what I was going through.

I did not call him after the party. I was not angry. May be distant or cold is the appropriate word. I was wide awake when my bedroom door opened and he stumbled in.


	3. 2

The next morning brought exactly what I had expected, apology from Edward. I was really not interested. Forgive him? Why? I mean what was the need? Why could not we just ignore each other? I did not say that aloud instead I replied,"That's okay. It must have been important. I understand."

He smiled, "Thanks for understanding. You know, you have changed a lot. No more fights. You almost killed me when I forgot about our anniversary, two years back."

"I have grown up I guess." I said remembering something from the past. There was a subtle shift in his expression that told me, he too was thinking about that same incident.

"Okay, Bye" And with that he left me.

I kept on standing near the window, looking outside while remembering about my 15th anniversary.


	4. 3

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to SM.**

* * *

Two years back, things were not going smoothly between us. We were walking on a rough road. Financial crisis and work stress was taking a toll on our relationship. With every passing day Edward seemed to drift apart from me and I had a hunch that money was not the main reason behind this.

People say that all couples go through mid-life crisis and during this time only, one understands the strength of their love. But we were only married for 15 years and I was barely 33. Seems mid-life had settled early.

Lack of communication was the main problem we were facing; then again lack of communication is the main reason behind every problem. Edward did not have even a second for me. From last few months, his answers to all my questions were curt. I knew he was going through a financial problem but he was not alone in that. Everyone in the family was having a tough time, developing the family business. But Jasper never lashed out at Alice because of that. If I be honest Edward had not lashed out me either. He was just brisk with me.

One day when I asked him about the current situation of his company he replied in a cold voice, "Nothing you need to know or worry about dear."

Even his word of endearment was cold and dead.

Rosalie (Edward's step sister), Edward and Alice were business partners. They together ran C.C.P.L. (Cullen Cosmetics Pvt Ltd.)

I cornered Alice and asked about the problem . She informed me that their currently launched Skin rejuvenating cream "Forever Young", failed miserably. That was the reason behind all his worries.

She also suggested throwing a party to cheer Edward up.

"Is not your anniversary next month?" Alice asked me over phone.

"Yes."

"Well, I have a brilliant plan to cheer you both up. You should throw a party." She said enthusiastically.

"You know Alice I am not a party person." I really didn't believe a party would cheer him up.

"Trust me, a little fun is what you both need. You need to show him how much you care and love him."

Why should I always show that? What was the need of showing? Could not he see how much I truly care for him? And how throwing a surprise party would make him appreciate me all of a sudden?

Alice broke my internal monologue, "It is your 15th anniversary. Surely you should celebrate…" She went on and on. After a lot of coxing from her side, I said, "Okay, okay, fine. We will celebrate and you can start your arrangement for the party… Sure I will keep my mouth shut about the party. I know, I know it will be a surprise." When I disconnected the phone, my lips stretched into a smile and a bit of hope swelled in me. Alice's enthusiasm always made me optimistic. May be celebrating the best day of our life together would bridge the developing gap between us. But, little did I know.


End file.
